I used to believe that my life was all something that I was given to endure.

I believed I had little if any choices about the way it would unfold.
I lived day to day, by default, in survival mode, hoping that God would look upon me favorably and see fit to bless my life and keep it safe.

I tip-toed around like a frightened church mouse, looking for crumbs to gobble from those who seemed to “have it all.”
I paid attention to the way people looked at me. I trembled beneath icy stares and tried to be the nicest most giving, loving, caring, self-sacrificing person I could possibly be, all in hopes I would find true friends, safety, kindness.

I went to church four times a week- on occasion even more.
I prayed all the time.
I read the Christian Bible- STUDIED it. My bible was colored with highlights and notes from preaching. 

My entire world and life was immersed in trying to stay “good enough”.

I broke under the emotional strain.
I discovered underneath the piles of religious garb was a terrified, traumatized little girl that I had buried so deep I didn’t even recognize her when she began to surface.

Almost 18 years I served, faithful, giving every last drop of life I had to a church family and their purpose of “saving lost souls”- which I now realize were other terrified, insecure, traumatized children buried beneath a shitload of insecurity.

I learned a lot, a hell of a lot in those years. 

When I left, I knew I would have to say goodbye to what had become my family, friends and the center of my life. 

I cried everyday for an entire year after leaving, the grief was so heavy. 

However, I have never regretted that decision. 

I have been out now for almost 8 years…

-out of the cage 
-out from the “fear of God”
-out from the heaps of insecurity
-out from trying to be the “nice, good girl so-that-god-will-smile-on-me-and-not-burn-me-in-hell”

I’m no longer interested in church, or being religious, or slapping some new title or label on me that I now have to suit up to.

I am enjoying MY LIFE- MY WAY!

I don’t read the Bible anymore. 

I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS- I don’t need reminders.

I don’t “gather with the brethren”.

I don’t worry about my soul.

I don’t drop in bed exhausted every night from leaching out all my life energy trying to “save souls.”

I am at peace.

And I love how magical and delicious my life can be everyday because I now understand that I can CHOOSE and DECIDE that it gets to be. 

MARVELOUS!