Until you truly love yourself- unconditionally, you cannot love another unconditionally. And if you cannot love the people in front of you unconditionally, you cannot fully love God.

You may think you love God because you pray, do good deeds, read scripture, and try to show people how they must live in order to be like this God you say you serve.

But none of this has anything to do with the unconditional love of God. 

When I began my healing journey to self-love, I had no idea how many layers I would uncover of self-hate, self-depreciation, self-judgement, self-condemnation… because these things lay hidden. I had covered them day, after day, after day… with good deeds, hard work, positive affirmations, staying too busy, getting too tired, being too sick, with layers of fat cells, make up, being good, attending religious services, over eating, bulimia,  dieting, fasting, substance use, focusing on other people’s issues, watching movies, reading books, scrolling through social media, shopping, etc…

One by one, you sweep these things aside, because healing a shattered heart isn’t faint work.  You are in the trenches of emotional chaos and soul-wrenching  agony.

Those things that keep you in place and distracted begin to loosen. And then, you see- when a layer is ripped away, you see things, long forgotten- rotting away in your psyche and subtly sucking the vitality of your spirit from you. 

Curiosity and hope to finally find yourself, your answers, your heaven on earth, keep you digging and layer-by-layer you continue to be AMAZED at how much stinking toxicity has been buried away because of fear, because of being in survival mode your entire damn life.

Each layer uncovered has it’s sorrow, grief and  pain, but is a release- cathartic, as the truth of who you really are is set free at an even deeper level. And you begin to comprehend the lies that held you bound, confused, and left you with a seemingly incurable dis-ease of not-enoughism. 

I lay awake more nights than not, trying to figure out how to truly feel alive again. How to just be and that be enough. I’ve spent the past fifteen years of my life pulling back layers, wondering if you ever get through them all. This morning I came full circle again to the foundation of SELF-LOVE. 

This self-love path is what the voice of God within set me on 15 years ago.

This morning another layer was pulled back and the mental distortions revealed as I finished up a walk with my dog in a panic, wondering if the person a few hundred yards behind was following me. The level of anxiety I often experience was higher than usual as I  closed the door behind me, trying to catch my breath after such a fast pace back home. I observed the fear that has kept me inside the walls of my home more often than not because it feels safe. The daily walk has been a huge breakthrough for me. But breakthroughs always reveal new layers to be pulled back and healed. As my anxiety abated, I thought about the countless times I have felt this way. And then I saw the little girl inside- terrified, because when she was assaulted, when she was vulnerable, she had no strength, no muscle mass to fight back, no ability to fend off. She had no one to protect her, to shield her, or to teach her how to defend herself. 

And there she was before my minds eye, uncovered, seen- ever a part of me, trapped beneath another layer- covered in a lie and stamped, “introvert”. The truth is she was victimized, over and again by people in her life that she trusted. And consequently, it is really difficult for her to fully trust people to see her. 

Another layer pulled back and I can see MY TRUTH; I  can see my true self and have compassion for her rather than harsh judgement. I can understand and love Elizabeth. (Still a difficult name for me to speak) I have uncovered another part of her to bring back, love, heal, and strengthen. I can see how this voice of God inside my soul led me to her and love between us grows. 

When I see someone out there, looking paranoid, intrinsically I know that this person doesn’t need me to try and convince them that God loves them. I don’t need to point out all the things in their life that is wrong. I dont need to grab a scripture and hold it in their face.

All I need to do is to look them in the eyes- to let them know I SEE them, and I understand. Because I am them- in another form. It’s now easy to love them and to pray for them within my heart knowing the same voice of God within me, is speaking to them too. I do not have to take on a responsibility to “save their soul.” I easily feel compassion and love for them, for I have found my own way back to this part of me through the path of self-love. 

So many layers- a lifetime of them to unravel. Beneath each layer is also a treasure- a piece of your truth, your heart, your soul- who you really are. 

Visit my website hivibeslife.com for support on your self-love journey.