Bullying – Victim Paradigm- Identifying and breaking free from it!

No one likes to be bullied. Today, awareness of bullying is mounting. Many people are going all out to put the breaks on it. Bullying does not just happen among school children. It goes on in adult circles all the time- in relationships, on the job, in groups and societies. If we want to make a big impact on curb-tailing bullying we need to recognize the signs and do what we can to put a stop to it. Our efforts to control bullying in school age children will be very limited as long as we continue to teach them bullying by our actions. Whether we are being bullied or we realize we are the bully- we need to own it and stop it, so we can begin to shift the vibration from a power-struggle world to a world of equality and harmony.

bullying

In this “Teasing verses Taunting” chart we have a list that can be applicable to a variety of situations. Ask yourself as you read over it, “Where do I fall on the chart? Where does my relationship with …….. fall? What about my job? My family? My church? Am I or are they incorporating bullying techniques?

Bullying is a manipulative way of getting what one wants. The bully preys on ones that have a weaker constitution than them or a perceived inferior position. The bully is usually a wounded person who at sometime in their life felt like a victim and bullying was their way of shoring up against ever being in that position again.

Religious groups often use means of bullying- cloaking it in a cover of a “love for the soul.” But when they have to bully converts into staying and submitting to their protocol, they have only gained a proselyte and not a true devotee. They will eventually end up with a group of dependent, beat-down, unmotivated individuals with little ability to reason logically, to empathize truly or to think for themselves.

The same results are seen at places of employment or governed societies where bullying is a means of control; it creates a dependent, unmotivated, discontent society that no longer can discern bad choices from good choices because they have so long been bullied into someone else’s choices for them.

You may think that you do not fall on the chart of bullying/victim at all. This is a rare case. Bullying is about control and can show up in very subtle ways. It takes a conscientious person to really identify their part in the bigger picture. I have seen this manipulative controlling attitude come out among closest friends.

These patterns can be broken. As we break free from the hierarchical  paradigm of “us verses them” we become an ensign of freedom, light, and peace. We each have to own our part in the bigger picture. Are we playing a victim role by allowing others to bully us and not taking responsibility for our own life choices? Are we coercing, threatening, shaming, punishing, demeaning anyone else in an attempt to change them or cause them to do what we desire them to do?

To get out from underneath a bully we have to be very deliberate in our choices and begin to respond rather than react to them. We have to master the art of saying NO! We have to think about what someone is requiring of us, weigh it out to see if it is a benefit and asset to our life, and if not reject it. This takes a lot of courage for those who are used to allowing others to always have the upper-hand.

If you are a bully, you need to spend time alone and contemplate why you feel like you need to control others. You need to learn the art of being present with what is and trusting the process of life. By getting in touch with your own vulnerability and accepting it, you will begin to naturally let go of the need to control others.

Both the bully and victim need to understand, that they are creating their reality everyday, by their thoughts, by their choices, by their actions. Both need to own this truth and make a commitment to shift their vibration from where it is to a place of give and take- a place of allowing- allowing others to be where they are without having to justify or make excuse for them or control them, and allowing yourself to feel your true emotions, accepting them and working through them.

Bullying is not just among school children, in fact, bullying begins with their caretakers! What examples are we leaving in this world when it comes to bullying? As an individual, as a society, as humanity? When your children observe you do they see someone confident in the process of life or someone who yells, argues, threatens and even gets physically aggressive when things are not going their way? Do they see someone that is confident in their own skin or someone who is always seeking out others to tell them what to do and then blaming everyone else for their lot in life?

Think about it! I have, and I have done something about it in my own life. Consequently I am so much happier and free!

Are You Normal?

normal

Normal- Conforming to a standard. Usual. Typical.

When I read the definition of “normal,” I feel a sort of sickening, boredom in the word- like a insipid cup of soup.

Yet, this is what society at large demands from it’s citizens- to be normal. If someone varies from off the normal-path, doctors, psychologists, and a variety of so-called specialist are summoned to figure out why they are not conforming to the given standard, why they are not usual or typical, and even worse, to try and “fix” them- to make them normal.

The reality is, there is no such thing as normal – only conformity. “Normal” is nebulous and relative. Nothing in this world is “abnormal” when given the context of its existence. Many worry about whether or not they are normal, or if their child or someone they love is normal. Why? Does conformity make someone more important? Or does nonconformity devalue a life?

Everything in this world has value in some way. Even those people and things that repel us teach us something about life, love, and what is pleasing verses what is displeasing to us. Every person in your life is a mirror that reflects something about yourself that you can learn from. To demand people to be normal is to put them in cages and chain them. It is to stifle their growth and potential, to rob them of their freedom, and to suck the very essence of life from their soul- a profound love for who they truly are.

The following video is a wonderful example of a young man- who is very normal given the context of his life, and has blessed humanity with a unique and awesome gift. You too, are gifted, talented and unique. YOU are both normal, given the context of your life, and unique- there is no other YOU in this world. Enjoy your beautiful self!

“The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that is wrong with the world.”
― Paul Farmer

Five Powerful Steps to Evoke Change in Any Situation

Do you want change?

  1. “Promote what you love rather than bashing what you hate.”  Whatever you focus on is where your energy and time are being spent; and what you give your energy and time to, focuswill increase. For example, perhaps you want your relationship with your spouse to improve- you want more romance, more attention and such. If your focus is on the lack of those things within the relationship, then the lack will increase. Instead, focus on what is right about the relationship and how you can add more richness to it.

Another example may be a societal change you want to see. Perhaps gun-control is a deep concern for you. Maybe you are worried that your right to bear arms is being threatened.  Focus on the reasons why bearing arms is a good idea, rather than on what will happen if you are “disarmed.” Give your time, attention and energy to promoting gun-safety and responsibility rather than bashing those that oppose guns.

  1. “Be the change that you want to see.” Feel and express yourself as if you are already enjoying the state of change you desire. When a love-relationship is romantic and passionate, you may smile more often, do extra little things for your special someone, dress a little sharper and wear cologne. Playing the part is a good place to start!

Someone who desires to retain the right to bear arms will simply bear arms, and practice safety and responsibility, being that example for others to see it is possible.

  1. Walk a mile in the oppositions shoes. Take their position for a while. Listen to their reasoning. When we just shake our fist and declare our position is the right position, we get absolutely nowhere. It only fuels the opposing side. No matter how right we believe we may be, there is another side to the story and we need to have a good understanding of it and respect for those who have opposing views.

IndifferenceThis is especially true in relationships. Many times family members lose their closeness because they take liberties that they would not take with a stranger. They feel because they are family they can just push their weight around and say exactly what they think with little consideration of the other’s feelings and views. Not only does this not help to bring someone to your point of view, it drives a wedge between you and your loved one that may never be able to be repaired.

This is seen in parent/child relationships quite often. A child begins so show his independent thinking and it does not line up with what the parent believes to be right; the parent has a knee-jerk reaction and tries to plow out the unwanted thinking without ever trying to understand why their child has come to that conclusion. If you won’t listen in order to truly understand someone, they most certainly are not going to hear what you have to say, because they know in their heart you have no idea what you’re talking about. You have not even taken the time to hear and understand them.

oppositionMany of today’s issues have fierce opposing views; abortion, immunizations, religious freedom, sexual orientation, etc… these all have very strong arguments on both sides; Taking time to thoroughly understand where the other side is coming from and not just bashing them because they do not see it like you do, is essential to finding a real solution that everyone can work with. Calling people names like stupid, evil and fanatical will never bring someone to see your point of view. When you are really willing to respectfully listen to and understand, with empathy, their point of view, then doors will open for you to be understood as well.

It is then that we find common ground; it is here that we come to appreciate the fact that we are all human, just wanting to feel safe, secure and happy in this world we are currently experiencing. Taking an arrogant, mocking, superior position will never build bridges. There is nothing about any of us that is superior to someone else. We may be more learned in a certain area, but that doesn’t make us superior to another human being.

4. Make sure the change you desire to see is for the benefit of all involved. Whether you call it karma or reaping what you sow, or you get back what you put in, or “you made the bed now sleep in it,” the point is, do not misuse your personal power to change as a tool of manipulation. Be considerate of all life.

5. Be grateful. Morning, noon and night, as often and you think about it, give thanks continually. There is always something we can find in every situation to be thankful for. Whenever you find yourself feeding the negative monster or bashing what you hate, the quickest and surest remedy is to start naming to yourself all that you have to be thankful for in that given moment.

These five steps are powerful and can evoke the change that you desire to see in any situation. Whether it is a relationship, a personal need or a societal condition, by diligently practicing these steps you will begin to see improvement and the light of hope shining bright on the horizon.

Migraine Mystery

No matter how much time and effort you put into elevating your vibrations, life will at times deal you some low-vibes. It is at these times we wait for the storm to pass, accepting and working through it the best we are able. This poem is born out of some severe migraines. I have learned through these times of tormenting pain, that migraines and other forms of pain have a root system that goes way beyond a physical affliction!

The MigraineThe Migraine

Red, orange, red- like lava slowly erupting;

Agonizingly painful, burning everything in its path.

It’s current sweeping over all, leaving nothing untouched.

“Hot” sounds it like ice melting in spring sunshine;

Lava embers sear, and when it cools, only rocks, barrenness and desolation remain.

My eyes pierce the dimly darkened night;

All is still when you can hear the hum of the fan.

Stiffly I crouch at the edge of my bed, while the night’s visions fade away into the fog.

Where is the little white miracle- washed down with water- that takes away all pain?

Will it work tonight?

Or will miracles cease to exist as I writhe under this merciless whip?

Lava burns it’s way through all defenses;

Pacing the four corners of my home, strength becomes a byword.

The judgments of this world show no empathy, as I wrestle to prove my presence in the now…

and my freedom from the relentless images of yesterday’s torture and heartache.

The world is like a vortex full of eyes that stare in wait;

 I hear a voiceless cry in the searing lava of tormenting pain.

“This too shall pass…yes, it will pass” 

But this moment feels eternal- when unbearable pain opens the locks, one by one,

into the heartache so tightly hidden away.