As a child, the mental and emotional abuse I endured was almost unbearable.
There was some physical abuse as well, in the form of corporal punishment that never matched the “crime.”
Most of the time I had no idea what I had done wrong, but my father seemed very adept at pulling heinous crimes out of the hat for an excuse to unleash his own unhealed wounds on his children.
The alcohol consumption only worsened the amount and intensity of his chastisements.
How does one describe being a child of a belligerent drunk?
I have flashes of hiding under the bed, or in the closet,
covering my ears so as to shut out the screams of my siblings,
my heart pounding into my throat-
hoping beyond hope he would not find me.
Who knows the hours I remained there at times, terrified to come out.
But it was the emotional abuse that was the most damaging-
the angry and insulting slurs,
beating me down, insult by insult,
like a worthless piece of existence.
Being raised by a father figure-
the one you looked up to for love and acceptance,
to cheer you on,
to protect you from the harshness of life,
to give you strength and courage…
left scars that are blatantly visible in my everyday life…
Scars from always being watched by a condemning eye,
relentlessly ridiculed and punished,
scars of never being enough-
never kind enough, good enough, obedient enough…
And those scars don’t go away.
Some of them pierce me everyday,
cast an ugly shadow over my spirit,
get in the way of the perfect life I long to live…
I want to say to you,
I understand that the struggle is real.
You are not alone!
I get it!
High vibes life has been the antidote to my deep depression,
to low self-esteem, to fear of waking up,
and to fear of dying.
High Vibes Life has taught me…
That I can create something NEW!
I can paint my own rainbow
and make my world beautiful!
It has not been easy.
Everyday I have to practice.
Everyday the scars and wounds stare me in the face,
and everyday I have to kiss them good morning
welcome them once again as part of who I am.
Everyday I have to check my forgiveness,
for the one who originally wounded and maimed my soul,
and for the ones along lifes path
who unwittingly kicked at my wounds,
and scorned my tenderness.
Everyday I have to chase away the shadows of yesterday,
and begin the day anew- with beautiful thoughts.
Many times I awaken from disturbing dreams;
Most of the really scary ones have faded, but I still dream
of being rejected, unloved, unwanted, unworthy;
But I’ve learned to thank them for the what they show me;
They guide me to understand what positive affirmations I need to write.
And I remind myself anew, out loud,
in ink, in voice, in mind, in Spirit:
YOU ARE LOVED!
YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE!
YOU ARE LOVEABLE!
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
IT IS SAFE TO BE ALIVE!
YOU ARE TRULY AMAZING!
YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND EVER!
I LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!
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